French "Spitting Image" version of the Bin Laden videotape transcript provided by the Pentagon. Our correspondent who supplied the translation writes: "I doubt this would ever air in the US." The "Anchorman" is Patrick Poivre d'Arvor, France's equivalent of Dan Rather, with Mr. Sylvester (i.e. Stallone) representing the CIA...

[Real Video clip]

Anchorman: So here we are with Mr. Sylvester, CIA official. Mr. Sylvester, you apparently now have the irrefutable proof that Osama bin Laden is responsible for the September 11th terror acts. Is this right?

Mr. Sylvester: Yep, everything is on tape.

Anchorman: Could we see it ?

Mr. Sylvester: Yeah, here it is.

Anchorman: Hmm. Hmm. Yes, it is impressive. But could we also see the images ?

Mr. Sylvester: Er... I don't know whether it will interest you a lot.

Anchorman: Definitely. It is an incredible scoop. I understand Bin Laden says he is responsible for the September 11th attacks. Right?

Mr. Sylvester: That's it. Bin Laden is filming himself as he is watching on CNN the two towers collapsing.

Anchorman: He is filmed as he watches TV.

Mr. Sylvester: Like everyone else.

Anchorman: Okay, let's view the tape.

Osama Bin Laden: (inaudible) I, Osama bin Ladin, I blew the two towers Couscous Gharbit ((WTC 1?)), Bish Leekoom Marrakesh ((WTC 2?)) (inaudible).

Mr. Sylvester: I think the proof is made, it's indisputable.

Anchorman: Yes, but one does not see much.

Mr. Sylvester: It's normal, his mate Mollah Omar films it and he is one-eyed. So he has problems centring.

Anchorman: Yes of course, but even the voice is hardly recognizable.

Mr. Sylvester: Yeah, it's shoddy Arab work, that's the proof.

Anchorman: And where does this tape come from?

Mr. Sylvester: Er. We found it.

Anchorman: Where?

Mr. Sylvester: On the ground.

Anchorman: Where on the ground?

Mr. Sylvester: In Afghanistan, on the bottom left.

Anchorman: Yeah.

Mr. Sylvester: What's the problem, you don't believe me!?

Anchorman: No, I do.

Mr. Sylvester: You're an enemy of the Free World or what?

Anchorman: No, I'm not.

Mr. Sylvester: Yes, I see it. You're splitting hairs.

Anchorman: A tape that you found on the ground, where there is nothing to see and to hear. It's okay with me, if you say it's true.

Mr. Sylvester: You're a good journalist. Now that we have the irrefutable proofs, we can bomb Iraq.

Anchorman: What? Why Iraq?

Mr. Sylvester: To find proofs.

Anchorman: What?

Mr. Sylvester: But yeah, we bomb Iraq, we level everything and then we go in and we look for the tape that proves that we were right to bomb. War is not so hard to understand.

Anchorman: Indeed... So when you'll find Bin Laden you'll put him on trial?

Mr. Sylvester: (laughter) Yeah, yeah.

Anchorman: What?

Mr. Sylvester: We'll never catch Bin Laden alive.

Anchorman: Are you sure?

Mr. Sylvester: Certain. We already have the tape of the mutilated body; he is hardly recognizable.

Anchorman: C'est rudement bien fichu -- That's pretty well done.

Related items on this website:

 Issues and Opinions: The Alleged Video Tape: what America gains and loses from it

 Letter from Arabist Eric Mueller about these articles

 Articles in Saudi newspaper ash-Sharq al-Awsat